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 Short Story: The Field

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PostSubject: Short Story: The Field   Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:17 am

Quote :
Dark, cold, damp. Waking up dazed and wondering what happened, he cant see, at least not well.
A flash of light. Blinding, he grasps his eyes. Now he can hardly see at all, it has gone dark again, but the effects of the bright flash of light are still wearing off. He thinks he saw something, Something red, something vile, something...evil? But he is not scared, all he feels is regret.
If only he ad chosen a different path, all those faces are still in his head, it's strange;
Never before have these face haunted him. He tries to flush them out, but to no avail.
Wailing, crying out, pleading for mercy. But it's to late for mercy, they're gone now. And so is he, but where has he gone? This is what he wonders. He stands up, realizing he has been on the ground this whole time, he remembers what he saw, was it the sky? But how could the sky be evil, and if he is outside, where is everyone? A flash of light, blinded again, but this time; he tries to focus, see where he is. It's a field, a damp field, like the due on a wet morning.
He notices two suns in the sky, strangleY, none emit any light, the field remains dark. The faces in his head are laughing
now, mocking him, he knows he deserves it. He begins to walk. When he does so, his feet feel weak, limber, and he collapses.

Back on the ground he stares at the suns, they seem to be getting closer, as if they will hit this field, but he doesn't care.
He sheds a tear, not out of sorrow, or self pity, but for his ignorance of this place. His eyes are now adjusting to everything. It's a strange place, he cant make out any color, but he can see most things roughly. Including the sky, although it doesn't look like the sky he knows, it looks like fire, fire and smoke, almost gas like.

He remembers the incident, the last thing he can remember, that bullet. He never saw it coming. He looks at his hands, they are hard to
make out because of the lighting, but there is something covering them, kind of like a powder, he wipes them clean, when he puts his hands back on the ground,
they get covered once again, he doesn't bother cleaning them again.
The suns in the sky are as big boulders, they must be getting closer.

He lays there waiting, not quite sure what for, but waiting. He knows that he is being punished, he never thought someone could be punished for cleansing the earth, what was it 6 million? He gets an itch on his head, when he trys to scratch it, he feels a goo type substance, horrified, he realizes what it is, and decides to keep his hands on the powdery ground.

Why is he being punished? he wonders. It wasn't his fault, He was just following orders.
He lays there waiting, not quite sure what for, but waiting.

Opinions? Anyone know what is happening in the story?


Edit: I fixed some of the mistakes in grammar and spelling. I also added some minor features to try make the meaning of it a bit more clear.


Last edited by Delta on Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:42 am; edited 3 times in total
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Nelliel
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PostSubject: Re: Short Story: The Field   Sun Mar 21, 2010 3:52 pm

I love how you wrote it and left your thoughts flow with the writing; it was thrilling reading it. I easily imagined the scenario and what was happening in your short story. Although, some grammar mistakes and missing punctuation confused me a bit. I appreciate how you tried to use pauses and whatnot; it seemed you were trying to write as if you were telling the story with your own voice. That's a huge plus for me. Overall, it was a very wonderful short story to read and I highly enjoyed it, especially the mental images that popped in my head during the reading.
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PostSubject: Re: Short Story: The Field   Sun Mar 21, 2010 7:22 pm

This is incredible :) definate talent here.

I'ma guess he's in a battle field and hell breaks loose on him. The 'goo' he feels is a wound?

I really like it :)
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PostSubject: Re: Short Story: The Field   Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:26 am

Awh Shucks!

Y'all made me smile big time, thanks.
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PostSubject: Re: Short Story: The Field   Mon Mar 22, 2010 4:38 pm

I like it a lot.
Made me think a bit, but I do believe I understand now.
Althought the double sun is still boggling my mind. :P
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PostSubject: Re: Short Story: The Field   Mon Mar 22, 2010 8:09 pm

Yes, the double sun is extremley less obvious than the rest of it, I think I might take that but out, actually.
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PostSubject: Re: Short Story: The Field   Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:38 pm

Delta wrote:
Yes, the double sun is extremley less obvious than the rest of it, I think I might take that but out, actually.
Nono, I really like that part of your story. It sounded intriguing to me.
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